When we first got married, a wise Professor of Hubby's told us that we should always have a 5 year plan. A written record of where we would like to be 5 years from now. Given this advice came from someone who managed to achieve a Knighthood during the course of his life, we took heed. And it became an annual tradition for many years - we would sit together and over several glasses of wine produce our route map.
And the funny thing is, when I look at the plans from 1994, much of what we wrote has come to pass. Yes, there are elements that have we have dropped (Third child? What was I thinking...), but we managed to get ourselves back to the UK, in a home of our own. Hubby did his MBA, I found a job I enjoyed, we started a family - so many things clicked into place.
But as we contemplate life from here on, the plans become harder to make. I knew right back then, that when we had children, I would want to be at home with them. But I'm filling in applications for Johnny's school place next September and I find myself acutely aware that a chapter in our lives is drawing to a close. A new page will be opening and I haven't the foggiest idea what to write on it.
Looking back, I see that my part in our life plan has often been in a supporting role. And I have loved doing that - I don't begrudge it in the slightest and I would do it again in an instant. The only thing is, after thirteen years of fitting myself around other elements of life, I am finding it almost impossible to know what what it is that I really want to do. Sometimes too much choice is a difficult thing.
And I worry, that blogging is somehow deferring the need to make some plans. There's a Japanese phrase 'giri-giri' which is hard to translate, but means something along the lines of 'working out of a sense of obligation, rather than to achieve anything in particular'. Sort of like Busy Work. And I wonder if my blog is giving me a false sense of achieving something with my life, when I'm not really.