What's the plan, Stan?
When we first got married, a wise Professor of Hubby's told us that we should always have a 5 year plan. A written record of where we would like to be 5 years from now. Given this advice came from someone who managed to achieve a Knighthood during the course of his life, we took heed. And it became an annual tradition for many years - we would sit together and over several glasses of wine produce our route map.
Life plans.
And the funny thing is, when I look at the plans from 1994, much of what we wrote has come to pass. Yes, there are elements that have we have dropped (Third child? What was I thinking...), but we managed to get ourselves back to the UK, in a home of our own. Hubby did his MBA, I found a job I enjoyed, we started a family - so many things clicked into place.
But as we contemplate life from here on, the plans become harder to make. I knew right back then, that when we had children, I would want to be at home with them. But I'm filling in applications for Johnny's school place next September and I find myself acutely aware that a chapter in our lives is drawing to a close. A new page will be opening and I haven't the foggiest idea what to write on it.
Looking back, I see that my part in our life plan has often been in a supporting role. And I have loved doing that - I don't begrudge it in the slightest and I would do it again in an instant. The only thing is, after thirteen years of fitting myself around other elements of life, I am finding it almost impossible to know what what it is that I really want to do. Sometimes too much choice is a difficult thing.
And I worry, that blogging is somehow deferring the need to make some plans. There's a Japanese phrase 'giri-giri' which is hard to translate, but means something along the lines of 'working out of a sense of obligation, rather than to achieve anything in particular'. Sort of like Busy Work. And I wonder if my blog is giving me a false sense of achieving something with my life, when I'm not really.
Life plans.
And the funny thing is, when I look at the plans from 1994, much of what we wrote has come to pass. Yes, there are elements that have we have dropped (Third child? What was I thinking...), but we managed to get ourselves back to the UK, in a home of our own. Hubby did his MBA, I found a job I enjoyed, we started a family - so many things clicked into place.
But as we contemplate life from here on, the plans become harder to make. I knew right back then, that when we had children, I would want to be at home with them. But I'm filling in applications for Johnny's school place next September and I find myself acutely aware that a chapter in our lives is drawing to a close. A new page will be opening and I haven't the foggiest idea what to write on it.
Looking back, I see that my part in our life plan has often been in a supporting role. And I have loved doing that - I don't begrudge it in the slightest and I would do it again in an instant. The only thing is, after thirteen years of fitting myself around other elements of life, I am finding it almost impossible to know what what it is that I really want to do. Sometimes too much choice is a difficult thing.
And I worry, that blogging is somehow deferring the need to make some plans. There's a Japanese phrase 'giri-giri' which is hard to translate, but means something along the lines of 'working out of a sense of obligation, rather than to achieve anything in particular'. Sort of like Busy Work. And I wonder if my blog is giving me a false sense of achieving something with my life, when I'm not really.
Comments
Big hugs from another somebody feeling just like you!
I think you have just summed up what a lot of women feel. You spend years getting through each day, making it enjoyable and watching children grow that you can't remember what it was you wanted to do when it all slowed down.
Lala :o)
I call it Blogstacy - a very addictive drug indeed.
xxx
lyn (mollychicken).
it could be the opposite - maybe blogging is a detour, or maybe blogging could define where you wanted to go? i totally get the 'giri-giri' thing - i wish my sibs would catch on...
I have a friend who is always able to put a positive spin on everything - I am sure that she would say that you were maintaining your computer skills and ensuring that your personal network is up to date. One day you will find something more interesting to do and then you will put the blog down for a nap. Until then I will enjoy your writing - thank you!
That is EXACTLY how I feel...
giri giri... but what the heck do I want?
Oh, ranting on but you provoked the thoughts!
Fiona x
Your blog is a record of your life and interests and I enjoy reading it.
Your blog may help you work through your choices.
Good luck.
Cathy XX
And the thought of what we do after the babies are no longer babies is very frightening - also that fact that that part of our lives - which seems so all consuming - may now actually be passing.
I am sure you will find your new niche!
Even though Frankie is only 8 months old, I've started seriously thinking about doing something (well, I need to get a small job to pay for Tilly's pre-school next year). I'm sussing out a plan that may turn into something long term if I want it to.
My suggestion to you would be to start small. It's always so much easier to tackle a small mole hill, than a giant mountain.
Maybe the trick is not to ask yourself "what do I really, really want to do?" because I think there is so much pressure to find the perfect thing, that you are never allowed to complain about doing. Maybe you just need to find a little thing that you wouldn't mind trying, just for a little while. It may or may not be paid employment, a sport or volunteer work. (It's amazing how much you get out of helping others)
It's so hard to get your head around, but maybe just try taking little steps at a time.
When I read the comments, I was sort of expecting others to be like "No, you have to keep blogging..." After all, we're here because we enjoy reading it. But the comments instead show that people genuinely care about you, not just the blog. You'll find the right path--I sure did, and I've never had a plan!
I started blogging as only a journal to myself, chronicalling our family activities no matter how small, so I could look back. And then I decided to password it because I got worried about anyone lurking for the wrong reasons. But then, I felt cut off from the world. So I unpassworded.
Funny, I guess its not just a journal but also my journey that I want to share with others.
Whatever you decide, if blogging does fulfill any kind of satisfaction for you, keep doing it.
I have many mixed feelings about it, this is why I don't post unless I really feel like it, that way it doesn't make me feel obligated to do so.
By the way, in Hawaii, giri-giri is (probably Japanese slang word) used to describe the part in your hair - esp. when you are a baby, kind of the swirly part in the hair. More than one giri-giri means that baby is going to be a rascal. My boy has one on his head. And he has one at the end of each eyebrow. I'm not kidding.
Whatever your decision, I hope it's one that brings you fulfillment and happiness.
I fear that moment when the kids are all off to school and (phew, this is a biggy to say out loud) I think that has played a very large part in my agreeing to this third baby.
I love this wee girl to bits before she even arrives but I recognise a large part of me doesn't want this mummy time to end yet. Perhaps its because I worked when Aimee was small???
Anyway, all I can add is that I do believe one way or another life will work out right for you guys. And as for the Blog - I'm going to be the one to beg you not to stop. I simply adore your writing and see your blog as a beautiful online journal of the journey you are taking through life as a wife, mother and crafter. I'll certainly be sad if you stop but understand a time will come when blogging goes on the back burner.
I've been at home for a year longer than you and I do yearn to get out there and do something for myself. Somehow blogging, although wonderful just doesn't fill that gap. A few years ago I worked very p/t in a bookshop around here and it was wonderful. I was out of the house, out of my normal role. People knew me as ME and not a mUm or wife - it was great. I felt wonderful and I had so much energy too and achieved more than I do these days.
Good luck with your decision - and do email me if you want to 'talk' won't you.
PS Don't blog out of a sense of obligation but keep doing it if you love it and it makes a difference in your life. (Hmmm I seem to have answered my own questions!)
Your blog is evidence of all that you achieve every day - and if it's a record of that for the years ahead, is that maybe OK? Whatever conclusion you do come to, about life, work, or blogging, I'm sure it will be the right one, and I hope it will make you happy!
I too am filling out school application forms for my youngest and feeling very much like I am on the crest of change, but quite unsure of what that may be. I know that I want to be there to pick them up and drop them off, to be there every day in the holidays and if they're ill...but to sit at home and do nothing other than blog and clean the house would be too self-indulgent...so what might fit around all that, bring in a bit of extra money, and give a sense of self-worth...I'm still thinking on that one, but like you, I've felt occasionally that blogging is a diversion from the things that I really ought to be getting on with, such as laying the foundations for my life with two school children.
I hope you carry on though, as I very much enjoy reading your posts!
you will figure it out. I think we are a factor of a generation of so many women where too much has been offered to us and we cannot really know what will ever satisfy our desires.
Jen